Powerless to Change July 25, 2008

Interesting Quote from a book I’m reading called “tweak” by nic Shef:

“There’s something about outward appearances that has always been important to me. I always thought that I was so ugly, I mean, I really did. I remember being in L.A. at my mom’s house as a little kid and just staring into the mirror for hours. It was like, if I looked long enough, maybe I’d finally be handsome. It never worked. I just got uglier and uglier. Nothing about me ever seemed good enough. And there was this sadness inside me–this hopelessness. Focusing on my physical appearance was at least easier then trying to address the internal shit. I could control the external–at least to a point. I could buy different clothes or cut my hair, or whatever. The pit opening up inside was too frightening to even look at. But I could get a new pair of shoes and, here, I can make sure I’m clean shaven and have good skin. It’s so shallow and ridiculous and I see it, I do, but I’m powerless to change. I mean, I don’t know how to change.”

It is so much easier to focus on the external then to begin the process of looking at the internal…

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind July 24, 2008

A long while back, I watched the movie, but I will be honest, I was tired and not necessarily in the mood for a thought provoking movie. However, recently, I have seen many of my friends list “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” as one of their favorite movies, so I decided to try it out again. This movie was incredible and creative. I don’t think it is possible to watch the entire movie and not consider your life. The first question that it addressed was whether or not it is possible to change. Throughout the movie, the characters had to make decisions about whether or not their life would remain as it was, or if they would choose something different. Do I want to dye my hair? Do I want to take a different route to work today? Do I want to remain in a relationship in which I settle or am I willing to end it in hopes of something better? Often times in life, we feel trapped by route and responsibility, when in reality, our behavior is our choice. Which brings us to the next question posed in the movie….If it were possible to have the memories of a person, place or thing, erased from our minds, would we do it? This often becomes a paradox…often the very things or people that we wish to forget become the very things or people that are worth remembering. If everything that I wish to forget is eliminated from my mind, will I change as a person? Will my life be better? Will I be different? The answer found in this movie and what I believe to be true is no. Whatever changes they have made (dying their hair, switching loves, removing memories) does not change who they are as a person because hair color, choice of lover, etc, do not change the fact that I am still me. Clementine remained impulsive and adventurous; Joel remained predictable and responsible, who they were was what attracted each other, take away the memories, the hair, etc. they would still be attracted to one another for the very same reasons. Essentially, everyone is human….as a human comes the ability to bring both joy and sorrow….a person cannot exist, love cannot exist, without both. We demand that people complete us and make us whole, but the reality is, they are just as human as we are…unable to complete or make another person whole. We cannot expect others to do for us, what we cannot do ourselves. This is a great movie, watch it!

Growing Up Without a Father July 19, 2008

I am going through this “honesty” phase in my life. It’s not that I haven’t been honest with myself in the past, but there are many times when i have “masked” my pain for the sake of appearing to be tough. One of the most tragic events in my life has been my father’s death. I feel it each and every day in the fiber of my being. There is a part of my heart and my life that was buried with him. There are so many times when i long to hear his voice one more time: to hear him remind me that I am beautiful beyond words, that his Emmy can do no wrong, that boys are stupid and just to feel safe once again in his presence. But the reality is that I never will….the void of my loss is so enormous that to this day i still feel the pain as though it happened yesterday. It is hard to explain loss to someone who has never experienced it first hand…but it is very easy to begin to guard your heart and put up walls that prevent hurt from happening again in the future. However, I have learned that loving someone with deep passion and with every ounce of your being, with the possibility of getting hurt is still worth it….even if it means death….

There is never a day that passes that I don’t think about my dad. How i loved him…how he loved me…how he will (did) miss out on some very important events in my life but much more how I have missed out on knowing him more, hugging/kissing him tenderly every morning and showing him every day how much I love him. I have a huge void in the absence of his presence….and today i just feel it in a very strong way.

Think!! June 26, 2008

One of the things that frustrate me the most in life is people who do not think, probably because I am one of those people who analyzes everything. Today, I read an article titled: “Barak Obama buzz sweeps through the BET Awards.” One of the quotes within the article said: “If we all register and vote, we will have the first black president in the history of America,” Sean “Diddy” Combs told the crowd Tuesday at the Shrine Auditorium before chanting “Obama or Die” - a declarative remix of his neutral “Vote or Die” motto from the 2004 presidential election, when he attempted to boost the youth vote.” You can read the article yourself at: http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080625/D91H2SU00.html

The scariest thing about this article, is that it is the general decision of most Americans to vote for an individual based on things such as race, gender, religion, like-ablity, but I often wonder if anyone stops to think about the best decision for the country based on the platform of an individual, their experience, their actions/votes toward past issues (let’s be honest, a person can say whatever they want, but it is their actions that demonstrate their real stance) and the original intention of the Constitution. I fear that our country is more concerned with the things that do not matter…it is not the race, gender, religion, or like-ability that determine the quality of a leader…but rather their actions in the past which is the best indication of their ability to run a country. Talk is cheap. But then again, I am expecting more out of a country that has Britney Spears at the top of all their news stories….COME on people…use your mind, make your vote count, explore/research the issues and the things that really matter…maybe it will be at that point that we begin to see the change that our country needs.

Who Am I, Really? June 24, 2008

I decided to start a blog awhile back as a way for me to express my thoughts on things that i read, life, religion, politics, however, as crazy as this sounds, the thought of putting my thoughts before another person is scary for me. After evaluating the question of why it is scary for me to put my thoughts before another person to read, I came to a conclusion that I will get to in a minute. For some strange reason, there is a side of me, what I would call “the real me” that I do not allow people to know….Perhaps my fear comes from people’s reaction to the deeper side of me. My mom and I had a very interesting conversation the other day and she made this statement to me: “Who you really are and the person that you allow people to see are two different people and I have had the privilege of getting to know the real you because I have known you for so long, however, there are many layers to you that other people never discover because you do not let them.” Soooo…after some searching, I discovered that allowing someone to know who I really am makes me vulnerable. And being vulnerable is scary. To be honest, the type of people that I respect the most in life are the ones that can see past the facade and say to me: “Cut the crap!!” Because those are the type of people that I want to be vulnerable with…the people who challenge me to be the best me that I can, those who challenge me to share myself, even when what i have to say is crazy, and the type of people who push me to my limits and give me the freedom to make decisions that are good and decisions that are bad….and allow me to think freely……All of the things that I hope to be with others!!

All that to say, this blog is my attempt at vulnerablity…

I want to end with a quote by James Kavanaugh that for me begins to touch on the surface of who I really am, but yet there is so much more:

Some people do not have to search -
they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned.
They do not seem to ask much of life,
sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously.
At times I envy them,
but usually I do not understand them -
seldom do they understand me.

I am one of the searchers.
There are, I believe, millions of us.
We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life,
hoping to uncover its ultimate secret.
We continue to explore ourselves,
hoping to understand.

We like to walk along the beach -
we are drawn by the ocean,
taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.
We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well.

Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter.
To share our sadness with the one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know -
unless it is to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself,
for everything beautiful it can provide.
Most of all we want to love and be loved.
We want to live in a relationship that will not impede
our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls.

We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.
We are wanderers, dreamers and lovers,
lonely souls who dare ask of life everything good and
beautiful.

Real-Time-Relationships June 23, 2008

I have a friend who recommended I read a book called “Real Time Relationships” written by Stefan Molyneux. Since I love to read and love reading recommendations, I was excited to read this book! It was very interesting because in many ways it discussed the types of relationships I have had in the past and the type of relationship that I long for in the future. In the past, many times, my relationships have lacked honesty in regards to myself, the other person, and the relationship. Here are some of the things that I (re)learned from reading this book, I suggest that everyone read it!:

1. Genuine Love cannot exist apart from honesty. In order for love to be genuine, it must be an accurate assessment of particular traits within another human being. If the person that we claim to love constantly lies to us or acts contrary to the way we believe that they are, we are not loving that person, but rather, whatever perceptions we have of that person. There have been so many times in relationships that I wish I would have seen someone for how they really were and not how i hoped they would be.

2. Actions Speak Louder than Words. It is so important that we break the habit of listening to people’s words rather than regarding their actions.

3. You cannot change another person. Our goal should be to help one another achieve noble goals that we already arrived at the relationship already committed to pursuing. You don’t set my goals, I don’t set yours, but i do all that i can to help you achieve them and vice versa. When we treat people as objects to be fixed, it is not about them, it is about us. It is far less uncomfortable to improve others than to actually improve ourselves.

4. Relationships are fundamentally defined by reciprocity. Intimacy requires that both parties feel free to speak their minds, commit to listening, and strive to understand each other. Generosity creates certainty. Giving 150% of yourself-even beyond your own comfort zone, quickly highlights any deficiencies in reciprocity from your partner. I can think of a million times when I have given all of who I am and received nothing in return, rather than stop giving, i kept on giving and didn’t stop to think that the relationship was one-sided.

5. Stop Acting Like a Slave (in regards to relationships, work, or anything for that matter).

“Slaves are not allowed to tell the truth. Slaves are not allowed to offend their masters. Slaves are not allowed to express preferences. Slaves must always manage their masters. Slaves must always be on guard. Slaves must always shy away from punishment. Slaves must always fear their fellow slaves. Slaves are not allowed to feel curiosity. Slaves are not allowed to feel genuine emotion. Slaves can only react to propaganda. So if you don’t want to be a slave, stop acting like a slave.”

There was a part towards the end of the book which really hit home for me….he was talking about the disappointment he felt when a girl did not call him back…here was some insight he had into the situation:

“It become clear to me over time that i was not disappointed in the fact that the girl had not called me, but rather i was frightened by my desire for a girl who would not call me. I chose her in a bar because she was very pretty. I ignored the fact that she was quite rude and constantly looking around while i was talking to her. I ignored the fact that she had abruptly got up and talked to a friend of hers for 20 minutes, leaving me alone, twiddling my thumbs and wondering whether i should stay or go. I ignored the fact that she gave me a scant smile when i asked her for her number and said: “why don’t you just give me your number instead.” In other words, the reality was that i was disappointed in myself, not in the girl. And I was afraid. Why was I afraid? Well, I was afraid because I was putting my heart in danger. I was afraid because, by choosing women who were obviously not very nice, based entirely on their looks, i was putting myself in considerable danger. Not just in terms of disappointment, but in terms of getting into a relationship with a cold, selfish, and manipulative woman–and God forbid, having children with her-which could truly ruin my entire life. Negative feelings are designed to protect you.”

How true is that?

All this to say, read the book. It is good, insightful, and it will help you to see what you have been doing wrong. Not for the sake of just seeing it, but so that you can change it….in order to have honest, authentic, genuinely, deep relationships….because you and I both deserve it.